‘I’m in a glass case of emotion’

I haven’t blogged as often as I thought I would. At this stage I’m just writing to myself, for myself, addressing myself like I’m reading this for the first time. I think I’ve been away from blogging/writing in general for far too long. Plus I feel a bit of pressure, a bit of worry ‘of course she’s a blogger’, for some reason I’ve started to care so much about what others think of me.

Long story short, my beautiful baby boy was born 12th September after a traumatic, dramatic birth which threw my whole plan out the window and weighed a hefty 8lb 4oz. I was cut. I tore. I had salad tongs all up in me and I’m still recovering 11 weeks on.

Back to emotions.

Now having fought anxiety as a general for the past few years, I’ve been and still am worried about developing PPD or PPP, mostly because the health visitor told me I’d be a likely target with my anxiety. Cheers. I’ve had the baby blues, I’ve had anxiety over safety of my boy, whether people like me, wondering why I was losing so many followers – were old friends slagging me off? Was I an office joke? Why do I care? Is it because I try so hard, or not hard enough? It’s harder now I have a child because free time is a thing of the past, and I’m fine with that. I find I have to hide my emotions from anyone because I worry they’ll label me with PND and I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t feel ashamed to admit that some days I cry and that feel lonely sometimes (most days) but I have a new best friend who I’m raising to speak up and speak out about any worries he has. I haven’t made much of an effort with Mum groups (honestly there doesn’t seem to be any nearby), I used MUSH app and found it a little cringe. I want to make new friends but am I too old now?

But anyway, I’m currently on waiting list for CBT for my Pure O and Health Anxiety through our wonderful NHS and as always I’ll be as honest and open about my journey. If one person reads this and can relate, that’s enough for me. I remember finding so much relief in finding someone else like me so to anyone reading, my inbox is always open.

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